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Thu, Sep. 29th, 2005, 06:16 pm
Excerpts from "EuroRounders"

Quick note. If you don't play poker, or haven't seen Rounders, nothing below this line is going to make a shred of sense. If you have, it's like the funniest fucking thing ever, because plo totally, utterly sucks.


Michel (voiceover): "If you can't find the boorish American hold'em player at the table within half an hour, you are the boorish American hold'em player."


TITLE/CREDITS. This entire movie is in black and white, with subtitles.


Michel (voiceover): "This game is really scummy, and well above what I can afford to play. My entire bankroll is riding on this one session going well. This is Teddy CIA's place, where they only play Pot Limit Omaha, the most sophisticated game in Europe."

- Michel knocks on the window -

Teddy CIA: "You want poker, or whore?"

Michel: "Poker. Give me three stacks of high, elitist society."


Michel: "I raise."

Teddy CIA: "It's a position raise. I call."

- The flop comes 5-7-A, with two diamonds -

Michel: "I bet the pot."

Teddy CIA: "I raise the pot."

Michel: "I reraise the pot."

Teddy CIA: "I reraise the pot."

Michel: "Pot."

Teddy CIA: "Pot."

Michel: "Pot."

Teddy CIA: "Pot."

Michel: "Pot."

Teddy CIA: "Pot."

Michel (voiceover): "I sit back and think. I have three aces - the best possible hand. I want him to think I'm debating a call, but really I'm just thinking about Monte Carlo, and whatever the fuck is in Monte Carlo."

Michel: *shrugs* "Okay, well, I re-pot it, I'm all in, because I don't think you have a pair." *winks at the camera*

Teddy CIA: "Who are you winking at? It doesn't matter, I call."

Michel (voiceover): "I know before he even says it."

Teddy CIA: "I have 8-6-4-3 with two diamonds, for a wrap straight draw and a flush draw, which is a favorite over your top set."

- Turn is a King. River is a 2 which gives Teddy CIA an ace-to-five straight for the win. -

- Michel sits there, shell-shocked. -

Joey Croissant: "Come on, I'll get you a whore."


Michel (voiceover): "Well, that sucked. Since then, I've sworn off of poker and made my living as a roadside prostitute for boorish American tourists. Hopefully, I can pay my way through law school that way. I can always find games, though. I could turn this truck onto the road and be at the Taj in 19 and a half hours."


Michel (voiceover): "I'm here to pick my friend Worm up from prison."

- Worm walks out of prison -

Michel: "Worm! It's wonderful to see you!"

- They kiss each other passionately on the mouth -

Michel: "How was prison?"

Worm: "I was brutally sodomized on a regular basis."


Michel: "Look...Croissant, I never told you this, but about a year ago, I was playing poker at the Casino des Atlantes, and Marcel Luske walks in. He sits down at the 50/100 pot limit game. And, I mean, the whole place stops, right? Just watching this guy play. After a while there isn't a retarded European gambling game going, because everybody's just, you know, watching this guy."

- Joey Croissant nods -

Michel: "So you know what I did? I sat down."

Joey Croissant: "No way, you need at least 300,000 euros to sit down at a game like that. Such bad financial management is typical of a boorish American!"

- Joey Croissant and Michel laugh for twenty-six minutes -

Michel: "Right, okay, but seriously, I played for an hour, doing nothing but folding. Then I won a huge pot."

Joey Croissant: "Aces? Kings? Ace-King doublesuited? Suited aces? High connectors? Middle doublesuited connectors? Two big pair?"

Michel: "Rags."

Joey Croissant: "That's probably fine too, you're only like a 48/52 dog."

Michel: "I raised. And he came over the top of me, like I was a boorish American. I re-popped it. He potted it again. I think for like two seconds and then I re-pot it."

Joey Croissant: "Jesus fucking Christ, how much money did you have?"

Michel: "After I bet I would quietly slide my chips back toward my stack, nobody noticed. Anyway, he thinks for a while, looks at me, checks his cards again, and he mucks. I take it down. And then he looks at me and says, 'I have to know. Did you have it?' And I said, 'I'm sorry Marcel, I can't remember.'"

Joey Croissant: "Face!"

Michel: "I know, totally. Anyway, based on that one hand, I felt confident gambling for all the money I had, at one time."


Law Professor: "I am a Jew."

Michel: "I hate you."


Teddy CIA: "We play, heads up, Pot Limit Omaha, 25 and 50 blinds, until one of us has it all?"

Michel: "Out of sheer curiosity, you realize you're giving up like boat loads of equity by agreeing to gamble for money that's effectively yours anyway, right? That you could just not let me play, and then kill me and take what I have?"

Teddy CIA: "I know, but I am a boorish American!"

- Michel and Teddy CIA laugh for seventy-two minutes -


Michel (voiceover): "I pick up Ace-Ace-Jack-Ten doublesuited."

Michel: "I raise the pot."

Teddy CIA: "Very aggressive. But, I reraise the pot."

Michael (voiceover): "He's representing Ace-Ace-King-King doublesuited, the only hand better than mine. I can't call, and give him a chance to catch. I can only fold...if I believe him."

Michel: "I reraise, I'm all in."

Teddy CIA: "Take it down."


- The flop reads 10-9-5, with two spades -

Michel: "Pot."

Teddy CIA: "Pot."

Michel: "Pot."

Teddy CIA: "Pot."

Michel: "Pot."

Teddy CIA: "Pot."

Michel: "Pot. I'm all in."

Teddy CIA: "Alright, I call. What do you have?"

Michel: "Jack high flush draw and middle set."

Teddy CIA: "Wrap, with a king high flush draw."

Michel: "Boy, I sure hope my 5:4 edge holds up, otherwise I am going to die."

- Turn is an off-suit 5, giving Michel an unbeatable hand. But the river is the ace of spades anyway, because it's always the fucking ace of spades. -

Teddy CIA: "He beat me. Pay that man his money. His silly, silly-looking European money."


Cab Driver: "Where are you off to?"

Michel: "Monte Carlo."

Cab Driver: "Good luck."

Michel: "Shut the fuck up."



Tue, Oct. 11th, 2005 01:51 am (UTC)

that's some funny shit

Tue, Oct. 11th, 2005 04:55 am (UTC)

Great stuff, thanks. I laughed so hard I almost peed my pants.

Tue, Oct. 11th, 2005 05:17 am (UTC)

Excellent, though instead of Teddy CIA saying "Who are you winking at?" he should say "You're right, I don't have a pair."

Tue, Oct. 11th, 2005 09:42 am (UTC)

God damn it.
(Deleted comment)

Fri, Oct. 14th, 2005 05:12 am (UTC)

very funny

Sun, Oct. 16th, 2005 05:42 am (UTC)

Thanks, man. Tremendously creative.
This is as funny as anything I've read....ever.

Fri, Oct. 17th, 2008 08:22 am (UTC)

This is as funny as anything I've read. . . . Ever. ( Reply to this ) that was quite amusing runstaverun am UTC ( link ) I thought it was funny.

Tue, Oct. 18th, 2005 03:33 am (UTC)
runstaverun: that was quite amusing

I thought it was funny... you were linked from sensibleerection.com

Tue, Oct. 18th, 2005 02:52 pm (UTC)
honestiago: suggestions

I read this on Paul P's livejournal, and it is really funny. It should be filmed.

I was thinking it could use some random pseudo-intellectual conversations between Michel and Worm where they all the sudden start discussing the absurdity of existence or something.

Anyway, thanks for the laughs.

Tue, Oct. 25th, 2005 01:38 am (UTC)
(Anonymous): Marcel would love it....

I actually learned from Marcel Luske in Amsterdam, where we played Pot Limit Omaha. I couldn't finish reading this thing because the tears were streaming down my eyes, I was laughing so hard.

Pot. Pot. Pot. Pot. Pot. Pot. All-in.

Wahoooo!!!!! Hilarious. Made my, day, week, and year! Marcel is going to love this.


Tue, Oct. 25th, 2005 07:12 am (UTC)
saddlepoint: Re: Marcel would love it....

Very cool.

Thu, Nov. 17th, 2005 09:20 pm (UTC)

I approve... my roommates wanted to know what I was laughing at, but I know they wouldn't understand...

Wed, Jan. 25th, 2006 12:18 am (UTC)
(Anonymous): nh sir

nh indeed. except maybe the anti-semitism

Wed, Jan. 25th, 2006 01:19 am (UTC)
(Anonymous): execpt you didn't write it

that was posted on Cardplayer last year-- these guys think you wrote it

Tue, Feb. 14th, 2006 09:14 am (UTC)

Hilarious, nicely done.

Full props.

Thu, Aug. 3rd, 2006 07:44 pm (UTC)
(Anonymous): This never gets old

I've read this many times, and I laugh each time.

Thu, Nov. 16th, 2006 02:43 pm (UTC)
(Anonymous): Re: This never gets old


Mon, Dec. 4th, 2006 04:21 pm (UTC)
(Anonymous): I'm framing this

Well, okay maybe not, I don't think they make frames that tall, but this was just sent to me, first time I've read it, and I can barely see to type through the tears. Very, very nice work.

Wed, Apr. 4th, 2007 09:59 pm (UTC)
deadmonywalking: Re: I'm framing this

so YOU were the author.

Man that was so funny. Poker Webgem of the year.

sidenote: one of the sites it was posted on said you should add a side game where Worm deals Mike 3 aces from the bottom, unaware that they aren't favored against the other hands.

Wed, May. 23rd, 2007 06:12 am (UTC)

This is the best shit.

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